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BIG BANG
c:\pkunzip svemir.zip

Noina korablja
Sve što sam o životu trebao znati naučio sam od Noine korablje:
1. Ne propuštaj brod!
2. Sjeti se da se svi nalazimo u istom brodu!
3. Planiraj unaprijed! Kiša još nije padala kad je Noa gradio arku.
4. Ostani u dobroj kondiciji! I kad budeš imao 600 godina, može se dogodititi da netko zatraži od tebe da uciniš nešto zaista veliko.
5. Ne slušaj kritičare; jednostavno uradi ono što se mora uraditi.
6. Svoju budućnost gradi na uzvišici.
7. Zbog sigurnosti uvijek putuj u paru.
8. Brzina nije uvijek prednost: kad je sve prošlo, na palubi su se jednako našli puževi i gepardi.
9. Sjeti se da su arku gradili amateri, a Titanik profesionalci.
10. Imaj na umu da su djetlići koji se nalaze u brodu mnogo opasniji od oluje vani.
11. Bez obzira na oluju, ako si s Bogom, uvijek će te na koncu čekati duga.


St Paul's 3rd Letter to the Corinthians
The Way Named Straight
Tarsus, Province of Syria

My Dear Corinthians:
I, Paul, by the will of God an Apostle, having written twice to you on several matters of great importance now find myself compelled to write a third time. I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it any more.

SHAPE UP!

Paul, by the grace of God, Apostle to the Gentiles


If Saint Paul had been a computer techie, he would have:

- Networked the seven churches mentioned in Revelation.
- Made sure his spiritual armor included a virus checker.
- Sent his letters to all the churches using Mail Merge.
- Used "Find" and "Replace" to change his name from Saul to Paul.
- Used mapping software to make his Missionary Journeys more efficient.
- Sold tents to buy a Mac.
- Created a "Heresy Check" macro for his Word Processor.
- Made Software Piracy a sin with an 11th Commandment.
- Told us to "Compu$erve one another."
- Replaced "Christ is the vine, we are the branches" with "Christ is the Network Server, we are the nodes."

Pisma Bogu

Dragi Bože!
Umjesto da dopuštaš da ljudi umiru i onda stvaraš nove, mogao bi zadržati one koje već imaš. Amy

Dragi Bože!
Možda se Cain i Abel ne bi toliko svađali da su imali svoje sobe. Tako je s mojim bratom. Larry

Dragi Bože!
Ako ćeš me gledati u nedjelju u crkvi, pokazat ću ti svoje nove cipele. Mickey

Dragi Bože!
Vjerujem da ti je teško voljeti sve ljude na svijetu. U mojoj obitelji ih je samo četvero i to mi nikako ne uspijeva. Nancy

Dragi Bože!
U školi su nam rekli što radiš. Tko radi umjesto tebe kada si ti na odmoru? Jane

Dragi Bože!
Pročitala sam Bibliju. Što znači *moliti*? Nitko mi ne želi reći. Love, Alison

Dragi Bože!
Da li si zaista nevidljiv ili je to samo trik? Lucy

Dragi Bože!
Da li je istina da moj otac neće ići u raj ako u kući govori *riječi iz kuglane*? Anita

Dragi Bože!
Da li si zaista zamislio da žirafa tako izgleda ili je to bila pogreška? Norma

Dragi Bože!
Bio sam na vjenčanju i mladenci su se poljubili u crkvi. Da li je to u redu? Greg

Dragi Bože!
Što znači da si ti *ljubomoran Bog*? Mislila sam da imaš sve. Jane

Dragi Bože!
Da li si stvarno mislio *čini drugima ono što oni čine tebi*? Jer ako jesi, onda ću srediti svoga brata. Darla

Dragi Bože!
Hvala ti za malog brata, ali molila sam za malog psića. Joyce

Dragi Bože!
Na odmoru je cijelo vrijeme padala kiša i zanima me da li je moj otac lud! Rekao je neke stvari o tebi koje se ne smiju govoriti, ali nadam se da mu ipak nećeš učiniti ništa loše. (Ali ti neću reći tko sam)

Dragi Bože!
Zašto je vjeronauk u nedjelju? Mislio sam da je nedjelja dan za odmaranje. Tom L.

Dragi Bože!
Ako mi daš duha kao Aladinu, ja ću tebi dati sve što želiš osim mojih novaca i šaha. Raphael

Dragi Bože!
Želim biti kao moj tata kad narastem, ali ne s toliko dlaka po cijelome tijelu. Tom

Dragi Bože!
Ne moraš se brinuti za mene, uvijek gledam na obje strane. Dean

Dragi Bože!
Mislim da su spajalice tvoj najbolji izum. Ruth M.

Dragi Bože!
Ponekad mislim na tebe i kada se ne molim. Elliot

Dragi Bože!
Od svih ljudi koji rade za tebe, najviše volim Nou i Davida. Rob

Dragi Bože!
Brat mi je pričao o rađanju, ali nije mi zvučalo baš dobro. Samo se šalio, zar ne? Marsha

Dragi Bože!
Želio bih živjeti 900 godina kao onaj čovjek u Bibliji. Chris

Dragi Bože!
Čitali smo da je Thomas Edison izumio struju. Ali na vjeronauku su nam rekli da si to ti napravio. Sigurno ti je ukrao ideju. Donna

Dragi Bože!
Zločesti ljudi su se smijali Noi - *Sagradio si arku na suhom tlu, budalo.* Ali on je bio pametan jer je ostao s tobom. To bih i ja učinio. Eddie

Dragi Bože!
Mislim da nitko ne bi bio bolji Bog od tebe. Eto, želim da to znaš, ali ne kažem to zato što ti već jesi Bog. Charles

Dragi Bože!
Nisam mislio da narančasta pristaje uz ljubičastu sve dok nisam vidio zalazak sunca koji si stvorio u utorak. To je bilo guba. Eugene

Church Marquee Signs
To lighten things up a bit, here are some possible humorous marquee signs you might see at a Church:

"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"
"Under same management for over 2000 years"
"Soul food served here"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."
"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary"
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible"
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees"
"What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow"
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday"
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive"
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings"
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams"
"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies"
"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin, stay out of the devil's orchard"
"To belittle is to be little"
"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you"
"God answers kneemail"

How to Become a Lapsed Catholic Quickly and Easily
by Father Hal Stocker, assumed public domain

1. STOP GOING TO CHURCH ON SUNDAYS. This is the quickest and most effective way to become a lapsed Catholic. Begin in your teenage years. Refuse to get up for Sunday morning Mass when your parents call. Roll over. Pull the covers over your head and scream that you aren't going, and that you're never going to go again. (Make sure you have another place to live!)

2. HAVE AN IDEOLOGICAL FIGHT WITH THE CHURCH. Pick out a ruling and find something wrong with it - pick a fight. (Abortion and contraception are currently topical). Study the issue *thoroughly*. Talk to your priest and *tell* him why you can no longer be a practicing Catholic "as a matter of conscience". Repeat what you've just told the priest to your friends at cocktail parties, to people on streetcorners, to your friends at the corner bar, and clerks at checkout counters. *Insist* that THIS is the reason you really left the Church - not that you really are not too crazy about confessing to your favorite sins, or that you have no intention of stopping a practice that the church feels is sinful, or that you resent the obligation to support your parish at more than the minimal level.

3. JOIN ANOTHER RELIGION. (Be careful not to REALLY join another religion - you'll just have another set of obligations to observe - but *act* like you have.) Tell everyone you have decided that Hinduism is older and more in tune with the Cosmos. (Check the church's rulings carefully, so you can get back in, in a hurry if the Second Coming looks imminent.)

4. BECOME AN AGNOSTIC. This is the intellectual approach. Deduce back to the first cause, then become incredibly confused. Cease attending all church functions (except Bingo, of course!) until you 'get the Faith'. After all, who could possibly criticize you for avoiding practices of which you are not fully 'convinced'?

5. LEARN TO DISLIKE A PRIEST. Remember one you loved, then compare him to this new guy, who talks too loud/soft, is too Italian/Polish/Irish, who never/always comes/goes to my/someone else's house for supper/dinner, who always/never stops to chat with people after Mass. Don't worry about having to go to the neighboring parish because you don't like this guy - you can learn to hate the neighboring priest also, just as easily. One of the easiest reasons to hate a priest is to accuse him of "always talking about money." EVERY pastor is wide open to this charge, and there will be nobody who will contradict you.

6. HAVE THE CHURCH REFUSE TO MARRY YOU. This is perhaps the easiest way - and it gives you full justification for number five (above) as a bonus. Pick out an atheist to marry, then attend PreCana conferences. Insist that you have no intention of raising your kids Catholic, but that they're going to be able to make up their own minds "when they get old enough". Then, tell the priests you intend to go at it like rabbits every chance you get, and that the only reason you want to get married in the Church in the first place is to please your mother. Storm out in a huff when they tell you you will need some counseling before your wedding banns are published.

Needless to say, any of the above will provide an ample opportunity to lapse as a Catholic. Multiples (or even all) will allow a much more convincing justification for the so-inclined. It is particularly effective to run one into another and so cover the entire gamut, leaving practically no defenses whatever against arguments to the contrary. When presented with an objection to any single of the above-listed methods, simply switch the grounds until your listeners tire of trying to get you to commit yourself in public.

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper __ Other Book
__ Television __ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
__ Bible __ Other
__ Torah (specify): _____________

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery
__ Horoscope __ Television
__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Self-help books __ Sex
__ Biorythms __ Alcohol or drugs
__ Mantras __ Other: _____________________
__ Insurance policies __ None

3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): __________________________

Please fax completed surveys to your local place of worship. Thank you!

GREAT TRUTHS

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

How the world was created if God used a computer

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
%Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
%God
#Enter password.
%Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create light
#Done
%Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create firmament
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry land
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create fish
#Done
%Create fowl
#Done
%Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth where with the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%Create cattle
#Done
%Create creepy_things
#Done
%Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create man
#Done
%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%Insert breath
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%Create Garden.edn
#Done
%Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%Copy woman from man
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
%Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
%Insert man into woman
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%Create desire
#Done
%Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create freewill
#Done
%Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create good, evil
#Done
%Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
#1 errors.
%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%Break
%Break
%Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE LOG OFF.
%Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
%Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
%Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday,
Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.